Self-Compassion 4: Understanding the Process

Conflict and stress normally unfold in situations were there isn't much chance to really think things through. We react automatically, and our reactions reveal patterns of thinking and feeling that we establish over the years. The bad news is that this means our reactions are often difficult to change, the result of a lot of momentum. The good news is that by understanding how, when, and why we react in these ways, we have already started to change the pattern. Over time, mindfulness and self-compassion will automatically create new habits in us. They, too, can grow stronger and support us to live more kindly and wisely.

The initial challenge is obvious. When it comes to mindfulness during conflict, how do we become aware of processes that most often happen automatically? Typically -

• When we get in a conflict situation, we react without consciously deciding what to do. We find ourselves feeling, thinking and doing things with immediacy.

• Because these feelings, sensations and urges come in this manner, we don't often have a very deep understanding of the actual process behind them.

Self-compassion depends on understanding and slowing this process down so that we can choose how to respond to our automatic reactions. This diagram is a resource for developing our skills.

All of us recognize certain elements of the process from time to time, and we intuitively know that we can use them to explain our feelings and actions. We find ourselves saying, “I was just so tired” (vulnerability factor), “she just doesn’t understand what I’ve been through” (interpretive filter), “he has no idea what that does to me” (trigger event), “when I heard that, I was just shaking inside and wanted to scream” (inner voice). We often have the idea that if the other person could just see things our way, everything would make sense.

Self-compassion means we become conversant with this picture (often unconscious and sometimes illusory) that we have created to make sense of the world. When we understand how changing factors can affect the whole experience, we can choose to respond thoughtfully instead of react automatically. Some things to remember -

• In conflict, each person’s reaction often becomes a trigger for the other, which is one of the most important ways that the cycle of de-conciliation is sustained.

• This diagram is complementary to the empathy model of Marshall Rosenberg known as Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication (more information HERE).
--- Making observations without evaluation is parallel to separating the actual trigger event from our interpretive filters.
--- Mindfulness of our inner voice is parallel to understanding our feelings and needs.
--- Making requests to meet our needs and responding with empathy is parallel to mindfulness of our outer voice.

• It is usually enough to become mindful of only one or two parts of the process in order to activate your compassionate self.

You can practice using the diagram by reading the following story and then guessing what Matthew might have experienced while having lunch with Tanya.

Matthew had a bad beginning at his new job. He felt out of place and couldn’t seem to fit in with the others. One day he even heard a couple of co-workers making jokes about how Matthew had acted at the last staff meeting. Any trust he had left was gone.

When Tanya was hired, Matthew experienced some competing feelings and thoughts. On one hand, he liked being around Tanya and wanted to know her better. On the other hand, he just knew she would turn out like everybody else. But he never had a chance to really find out, since he did his best to stay in the background and out of everybody else’s way.

During lunch break one day, Matthew was eating alone. Tanya came to his table and asked to join him. Matthew couldn’t help smiling and feeling happy at first; he said yes. But as Tanya started chatting, Matthew found himself worlds away in his own thoughts and doubts. “Why is she doing this anyway? Is she just feeling sorry for me? Or maybe she’s heard their stories about me and wants the inside scoop. Yeah, that’s it – she’s just like the rest of them… just looking for a way to get a laugh at my expense.”

Matthew suddenly realized that Tanya had been talking – he remembered answering a few questions about his work – but he had no idea what about. Besides, he now knew the ‘real’ reason she had joined him for lunch and gave himself permission to be as gruff and grumpy as he wanted. It didn’t take long for Tanya to finish her lunch and move on.

Matthew saw Tanya empty her tray and then join another table. Sure enough, they were soon laughing and talking away. Matthew congratulated himself for not being tricked by another co-worker. “I knew it,” he told himself, “she wasn’t really interested in knowing me.”

Based on Matthew’s story, what might have been his experience of the having lunch with Tanya?

You can also use this diagram to help you understand your own experience. You never have to feel obligated to use every part, either. Use what is most helpful to you.

Self-Compassion 5: Understanding Our Triggers

Now that we’ve got a general idea about the how our brain processes difficult circumstances, we can go into each part more deeply. We’ll also keep in mind the aspects identified by Neff:

• Mindfulness (instead of over-identification): what should we be especially aware of?

• Common humanity (instead of isolation): how is this part of the human condition?

• Self-kindness (instead of self-judgment): what compassionate response could be made?

For these activities, think about a simple conflict you have been involved in.

1. Trigger Events:

Triggers are simply incidents that set our automatic or habitual reactions in motion. A common phrase to describe these reactions is “flooding.” Emotions, thoughts, and urges ‘flood’ our minds and body. In the moment, we do not choose to react this way, although our choices over time reinforce or transform these reactions.

Below are some key questions to help us understand what triggers us during a conflict:

• Is there a certain behavior that you are consistently upset about?

• Are there any particular words or non-verbal communications that others use that you are consistently upset about?

• When you are trying to communicate to others, are there any responses that you are consistently upset about?

• Of the behaviors you listed above, which ones are hardest for you to handle well?

If you are at a stage of cultivating empathy-for-others, you may also ask:

• Have you noticed any ways that your own Outer Voice triggers others?

Self Compassion 6: Our Interpretive Filters

Note: A big part of our interpretive filters include culture and self-picture, which will be included in another future post.

Our thoughts and emotions are connected with each other. Thinking certain thoughts can trigger certain emotions, and certain emotions can trigger our thoughts. Further, we often experience these emotions automatically – we usually become aware of them only after or while we are experiencing them and the thoughts that come rushing into our heads.

Paul Gilbert has done a nice job simplifying Three Types of Affect Regulation Systems. The basic idea is:

(Adapted from Paul Gilbert, Advances in Psychiatric Treatment 2009;15:199-208,

Available as a pdf file HERE.)

Better Safe Than Sorry

Two of these systems are typically OVERdeveloped, because they are especially useful in keeping us alive during difficult circumstances. Can you guess which two?

If you're like most of us, you'll find yourself experiencing the Wanting and the Protecting states a lot more frequently than the Connecting/Soothing state.

And this raises an important point: our ‘negative’ emotions are actually quite important. If your brain activates the soothing system when what you need to do is get out of the way of the oncoming car, you won’t live very long! Anger-Anxiety-Disgust may be unpleasant and Wanting may motivate us to do inappropriate or dangerous things at times. And we may sometimes experience them when they are unnecessary or destructive.

But we could not survive without them.

Strengthening Our Weak Affect 'Muscles'

As true as this is, it also means that Content-Safe-Connected System is often UNDERdeveloped. And since the three systems influence each other, Protecting and Wanting often overpower our feelings of being Content-Safe-Connected. Self-compassion does not mean we eliminate emotions associated with defending or achieving. It means we strengthen our Content-Safe-Connected system so that it is also there when we need it. It means we are more balanced. And it means that we can influence the other systems when the time is right. We can re-train our minds to soothe and care for ourselves during difficult circumstances.

Inference Systems & Life Traps

So how does this work? One theory that is useful for understanding how our minds work brings attention to Inference Systems.

An inference system is just the way our minds link together certain thoughts, as well as the way it does this automatically. Inferences are shortcuts for what would otherwise be really long thought processes. For example, if you heard that my computer was broken by a virus introduced by Barry, you may think –

“David is angry because Barry broke his computer with a flash drive virus.”

What your brain is actually doing is much more involved. It may be something like this –

David is angry AND anger is caused by unpleasant events that other people cause AND anger is then pointed at those people AND David knows that Barry was using his computer AND he knows that Barry had a virus on his flash drive AND now David’s computer crashed because of a virus AND on and on.

It is very good that our brains can do all of this subconsciously, otherwise our conscious thinking would be exhausting! But the weakness is when an unhealthy thought gets incorporated into our inference systems. For example, what happens if you add, "AND people who make us angry deserve to be killed" into the system? Sure enough, you'll find yourself being driven by anger to want to severely punish others. It will seem obvious and irrefutable.

Jeff Young called this type of automatic thinking our “life traps” and summarized eighteen that he found most important.

1. Abandonment/instability
2. Mistrust/abuse
3. Emotional deprivation
4. Defectiveness/shame
5. Social isolation/alienation
6. Dependence/incompetence
7. Vulnerability to harm or illness
8. Enmeshment/undeveloped self
9. Failure
10. Entitlement/Grandiosity
11. Insufficient self-control/self-discipline
12. Subjugation
13. Self-sacrifice
14. Approval-seeking/recognition-seeking
15. Negativity/pessimism
16. Emotional inhibition
17. Unrelenting standards/hyper-criticalness
18. Punitiveness (SOURCE)

Take some time now to read more about these life traps by visiting Dr. Young's website, Schema Therapy, HERE.

After learning more about these Life Traps, go back to your conflict story. Do you notice any of the life traps at work in your story?

You can also use this chart to reflect on how you'd like to respond to your life traps.

Self-Compassion 7: Soothing Our Inner Voice

Consider a 2008 study documented that compassion practices changes our brain activity.

"Can we train ourselves to be compassionate? A new study suggests the answer is yes. Cultivating compassion and kindness through meditation affects brain regions that can make a person more empathetic to other peoples' mental states….

"This study was the first to use functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to indicate that positive emotions such as loving-kindness and compassion can be learned in the same way as playing a musical instrument or being proficient in a sport. The scans revealed that brain circuits used to detect emotions and feelings were dramatically changed in subjects who had extensive experience practicing compassion meditation.

"The research suggests that individuals - from children who may engage in bullying to people prone to recurring depression - and society in general could benefit from such meditative practices, says study director Richard Davidson, professor of psychiatry and psychology at UW-Madison and an expert on imaging the effects of meditation."

-University of Wisconsin-Madison (2008, March 27).“Compassion Meditation Changes The Brain.” ScienceDaily. (Available HERE)

If we are in the middle of being flooding with overwhelming thoughts and emotions, we will not usually become aware of our automatic reactions until our Inner Voice gets activated, when our emotions and thoughts enter our consciousness. So the first step is to practice mindfulness and understand what is really happening inside of us.

We can also be intentional about planning compassionate responses.

Below is an example of a Compassionate Response Chart.

Bringing to mind your own automatic responses, choose at least one aspect of your inner voice and brainstorm some possible compassionate responses you could practice.

NOTE: Remember, you are practicing compassion, so it is okay if a response “doesn’t work.” Respond with curiosity and more compassion – it often takes time to learn to listen well to our selves.

For Further Practice. It is also useful to develop self-compassion practices for each part of our inner voice. If you have interest, use the practices below. Afterwards, reflect on how you experienced it. Was it helpful? Unhelpful? Were you easily distracted? Can you accept your experience?

• Paying Attention - Often, just being mindful of our reactions is very soothing.

• Remembering the Little Things – Move your attention to something you take for granted (e.g., eating something mindfully, remembering a happy memory, etc.).

• Go Slow – Set some time aside to do something very slowly and intentionally, like drinking a cup of tea. Give it your full attention.

• Gratitude: Bring attention to the fact that your body is the gift of life and invites you into experiencing the world. Do a body scan and cultivate gratefulness for the miracle of life, from the hair on your head to the tips of your toes.

• Forgiving Ourselves – Remember that you inherited this body (and its automatic reactions) from others and from your past actions. Can you see your own body (and its reactions) as you would a body belonging to someone you love?

Self-Compassion 8: Context is Everything

Other key skills for self-compassion are preventative. As we become mindful of our triggers and our vulnerability factors, we can prevent conflict from escalating by:

1. avoiding situations that are likely to provoke us (when possible),
   
2. practicing self-compassion before entering a situation likely to trigger us, and
   
3. making preparations for taking care of ourselves after the situation.

Take a few moments to start reflecting on the circumstances where you are most likely to experience overwhelming thoughts and emotions.

Knowing these vulnerability factors, how can you practice self-compassion?

Self-Compassion 8a: Writing a Compassionate Letter

Adapted by David Ketchum from the work of Paul Gilbert (SOURCE)

“In this exercise we are going to write about difficulties, but from the perspective of the compassionate part of ourselves.”

Instructions:

• Call to mind a compassionate image and your own wisdom of what is safe, wise, and accepting.

• Now imagine the human qualities connected with that image. Try to “feel your compassionate self” – you “at your best – at your calmest, at your wisest – at your most caring.”

• Consider the manner, tone of voice, and presence of this compassionate self. Remember, you are not judging yourself. This is your own wisdom of what compassion feels and acts like. Spend at least one minute just becoming aware of how this compassionate self acts.

• When you have a compassionate frame of mind (“even just slightly”), you are ready to start your letter. If you find yourself getting distracted (“am I doing this right?” or “I don't feel very compassionate!”), just be mindful of those thoughts and return to the compassionate self.

Returning after distraction is part of the self-compassion practice, too.

• The goal of your letter is to express self-empathy. You might begin by recognizing your feelings and needs. For example,

Dear David, I know you are feeling really anxious right now, that you would really enjoy having your needs to be understood and accepted met.

• Next, it may be helpful to affirm your experience. For example, your letter may continued with,

It's understandable that you're feeling that way, since you worked really hard to write that email to your friend, to disagree in a really polite way, and you were hoping that it would become a positive conversation. Instead, your friend decided to stop emailing you for a while.

• Continue by standing back. What will be most helpful to bring your attention to now? You can do this by: thinking about “how you'll feel about the situation in a couple of days, weeks or months, or you might recall that distressing feelings can lift and then remember how you'll feel when this happens.” For example, you might write:

I want you to remember, though, that your brain is designed to help you care about relationships. You're feeling anxious because you also have a need for connection and community, and your brain is reminding you of that. That reaction is natural and important, and you can use it to help you keep making decisions that meet your needs.

• Encourage a compassionate response. What might your compassionate self encourage you to do? What needs are most important to you right now, in the present? What strategies are available? You can also include any elements from the emotional fluency diagram that you think would be especially helpful in connecting to your own self-compassion. For example,

In fact, would you be willing to go spend some time connecting with a friend sometime soon? It's been a while since you played guitar with X – would that be a good place to start?

• End by thanking yourself for taking the time to listen.

Note: Paul Gilbert provides in-depth instructions HERE.

Self-Compassion 8b: Keeping a Compassion Diary

One basic skill for self-compassion is using your emotions/thoughts/body sensations/action urges as a cue to look deeply for the underlying process that is producing them. This serves two important purposes.

First, we become better equipped to handle the overwhelming emotions we experience during conflict and stress.

Second, we become more sensitive to the fact that this process is happening in everyone else. In both cases, emotional fluency can be an aid in cultivating empathy both for ourselves and others.

The goal is to be able to slow the process down even in the midst of overwhelming emotions, but it is helpful to practice using both memories of overwhelming emotions and the normal and positive emotions we experience.

If you would like to practice this skill, considering using the diagram or a compassion diary on a regular basis. You can explore your present emotions, important memories, or even make guesses about reactions of others that have been confusing or frustrating to you (remembering they are just guesses!).

NOTE: If you have had traumatic experiences, please be cautious using these exercises. Consider having a trusted counselor, therapist, pastor, or other such person to help you heal.

Some questions for a self-compassion diary:

1. Trigger Events: Are there any situations (places, people, issues) that you associate with overwhelming emotions? (e.g., talking about a certain issue, seeing someone roll their eyes, interacting with a particular person, etc.)

2. Interpretive Filters: What is the meaning you assign to the trigger? What beliefs/assumptions do you relate the trigger event to? (e.g., “sighing like that is so disrespectful”) To go deeper, can you pick out the core beliefs, evaluations, and inferences involved?

3. Listening to your Inner Voice:
a. Emotional Experience: What do you feel most intensely in those situations? (e.g., grief)
b. Attention/Thoughts: Are there intrusive thoughts or preoccupations?
c. Body Sensations: What is happening to your body? (e.g., tension, sweating, etc.)
d. Action Urge: What do you want to do? (e.g., yell, run away, hit something)

4. Context: Are there times when you notice you are more likely to be overwhelmed? (e.g., lack of sleep, hungry, a certain person's company, etc.)

5. Listening to your Outer Voice:
a. What feelings and needs do you actually name and express to others? Are they accurate?
b. What facial or postural expressions do you notice yourself using to communicate your Inner Voice? (e.g., slumping in your chair, turning your head away, etc.)
c. What words do you actually say? What requests do you make or actions do you take?

6. Compassionate Responses:
a. What compassion practices have you tried?
b. What worked well? Not so well?
c. What would you like to try now?


Enlarging our vocabulary for identifying and expressing feelings and needs is also a significant part of developing emotional fluency.